I need my love by my side... but now it's over

[friezaess]

Matt and I broke up.

It was heart-wrenching. You see, I want to get married and have a family someday. He doesn't. We've been together for a year, and continuing with the knowledge that we will either have to part ways at some point or have one of us be miserable was too much to bear. So we mutually called it off.

We love each other so much. We lay in bed crying for what seemed like hours, just holding each other and saying "I love you so much", never wanting to part. Sure there have been issues in the past and I've worried about where the relationship was heading... but when it comes down to it, I do love him. More than anything. I just want us to be together and to be happy, as does he. Neither of us want to be apart, but we just couldn't find a solution. Last week he called me his soulmate...

My Dad's gone away for a week so I'm here all alone praying that Matt will call me like he said. The only thing that I've eaten since Monday is a single Tim Tam. Louise and bakames babysat me yesterday and today, which I'm thankful for... but nothing can make this pain go away. I keep reaching out for him in my sleep, and I can't go for more than a couple of hours without crying. I go to sleep crying and wake up that way. I need him in my life so badly. He's so beautiful and gentle, the most precious thing in my life. The only one who'd ever put up with my crap. He knows Lolita brand names FFS.

Speaking of which, I have lost all interest in Lolita. And Uni. I don't know if I can start back next week. Matt... he's everything to me. I need him so much, I love him more than anything on this Earth. I can't even be friends with him because it would be emotional torture seeing as my love for him runs so much deeper than I ever anticipated.

Fuck, I'm crying again. I love you so much Matt... please fix this... I want to feel your sweet lips on mine, I want to have early morning MSN conversations and come over and watch the sun rise with you. You're the only one for me. Please... fix this... oh god...

Comments

[laurelleaf.livejournal.com]

That's fucked, and I'm sorry you're so upset.
If he means this much to you, can't you just be together for a few more years? Especially if babies are not what you plan on straight away.
Could you negotiate fur babies maybe?

big hugs.

[friezaess.livejournal.com]

He's almost 30, I'm pretty sure he's not going to change his mind. I don't want kids for quite some time, but I need to have the family that I didn't get growing up. We both desperately wanted fur babies in pug form, but I guess I had to be greedy...

[damasquerade.livejournal.com]

Almost 30 is nothing in male years.

Fri, I'm not sure how I can help you, but I want to.

I think the only advice I can give is to immerse yourself in day to day life, and convince yourself that life indeed does go on, because it does. You've been so strong with the sad things that have happened in your life, the ones I know about, and so even though it's very painful, I think you can do it.

So you go to uni, you pick up a personal project like cleaning or making something or gardening or... Anything as a distraction.

I don't think I have anything else to offer than that, other than my belief in you and your strength.

[damasquerade.livejournal.com]

More suggestions. They work for me. If you find yourself to be crying/brooding/despairing, distract yourself by reading a book or playing a fast-paced game. Do it for like, an hour.

Cook healthy meals, keep your place clean, do everything that society tells you that you should do to be a good person. Even if you think it's bullshit, do it. It makes you feel productive and good and worthy.

Please, actively give these sort of ideas a go for a few days. You may be able to become compatible as a couple; you may not. But in the meantime, you're not in a good place and you need to take some positive, distracting action.

[friezaess.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the advice... at the moment it seems like the biggest effort just to get out of bed. I forced two slices of bread down my throat today which is the most I've had to eat in days. I really needed to go to an introduction seminar for one of my courses today but I don't think I'm going to get there... I'm shaking, my heart is pounding and it feels like I swallowed a knife. I don't even think I'm up to distracting myself at this point.

One of the few times I actually wish Dad was here. I must be desperate.

I just wish there was a way to fix things, but I can't see any solution that won't end in resentment and further anxiety.

[athira.livejournal.com]

Aww, sweety~ I feel so sorry about the whole thing. I do agree with damasquerade to get yourself some distraction. You know what's another good distraction? Puzzle games. :)

It DOES work for everyone! *huggles* Take care of yourself, hun!

[friezaess.livejournal.com]

I wish I were a gamer :/ I'm over my monthly quota anyway.

Thanks for the huggles. Back at you.