Easily Distracted

I'm having something of a lolita crisis at the moment.

It's not so much the clothes. I just dropped hundreds of dollars on Mary Magdalene and Moitie dresses. It's moreso the negative feelings I'm starting to attach to the the fashion.

First and foremost, the obvious- the hideous monstrosity that is my body. I often stand in the mirror thinking about how much I hate myself and how I wish I could cut big chunks off my grotesque form. I used to be a normal size when I was a child until the PCOS kicked in and I gained weight. It was something I was bullied for relentlessly at school, mostly by boys who would walk up to me and slap me across the face until I cried whilst they yelled about how fat I was. I got a lot of verbal and physical abuse for being overweight and also for being an outcast. No adults ever addressed the issue, so the feelings of self-hatred kicked in early. Most 9 year olds don't keep a knife under their beds so they can stab themselves to death once they build up the courage to do it.

I feel disappointed with myself every time I look at photos. I'm not the sort of person that cries. But the festering pain inside starts to take its toll after a while like a cancer.

Secondly, I'm not particularly feeling great about meet-ups anymore. I tend to be socially anxious as it is, but it has happened that some rather unflattering things have been said about me in passing, and it's really put a wet blanket on the whole thing. More worringly, there have been instances where people have misinterpreted something I have said or done as malicious (not even my usual trolling), or even just misinterpreted me as a person, and have gone on to imagine stories about me that are untrue. It's given me horrible stress headaches and quite honestly I get paranoid about attending each new meet-up out of concern that a new story will be conjured up.

It's been a real downer, particularly given the emotional rollercoaster I've been on over the past few months. When you're trying desperately to come up with reasons to live, the combined pressure of the above points do not make for a super happy fun time.

I'm not sure what to do at this stage. I don't think it would be any loss to anyone if I simply stopped showing up to events and dressed up in my own time. But to me, going out and seeing everyone's beautiful outfits, taking photos together and having fun is a big part of lolita.

Is it weird to be so caught up in something as superficial as wearing kawaii desu Nipponese clothing?

I got my new Masquerade Theatre OP in the mail today :D So happy! They also threw in one of those resin rings with a glittering pink plastic bow on it. BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH PINK IN MY WARDROBE! Well, actually I guess it would go well with my Lovely Sweet Room JSK, which is also made of win. Hm... which one to wear to bindijade's birthday on the weekend?

Oh yeah, finally finished recording a news story on Skype only to find out that CallGraph failed me and I didn't get any of it, LAWL. It was with some chick at the Regent talking about what's happening on their closing night. They're showing 8 decades in 8 days this week, and the 90s movie they're screening is Titanic. Is it sad that I'm tempted to go for the nostalgia? Also, fuck Brisbane and it's habit of tearing down historical realms of the people to make way for private enterprises. (I'm looking at you Festival Towers.) Fucking hate this place and it's shitty population explosion, DSGAKFSGKDGSK RAEG.

Aussie dollar is still shittastic, so start selling all your crap if you haven't already. It'll be interesting to see if it plummets even further if the mining tax comes in.

Haha, one of the little markets at UQ is selling Bodyline skirts :3 They had the Nadia print and some of those high-waisted stripey ones. Mr. Yan would be proud.

On Wednesday Louise and I went to see Avenue Q which was sufficiently awesome. The only problem was that the bar was swamped during intermission so no drinks for us ;_; Kudos to the old man who smuggled beers in though. It was lulzy when everyone started singing along to "The Internet is for Porn", myself being no exception. FAP FAP FAP

Uni has been... weird. I visited one of the few professors at the J-school who was born after the fall of Rome on a mission from the guy producing my cartooning event. We got talking about fan-fiction and stuff (oh lol), and somehow got talking about this idea I've had floating around for like a year that will never eventuate that involves using art and entertainment to communicate news to, you know, people under the age of 100 who don't give a fuck. He actually seemed kinda impressed and offered his help, telling me to keep him up-to-date on it O_o So that felt kinda good :3 I wonder if I'm un-lazy enough to do anything about it.

Also, I've noticed that people are... well... noticing me more. I know I sound like a massive douche saying that, but as someone who is used to hiding in the shadows avoiding people, it's weird. I think I can attribute a lot of that to my eccentric attire, which kind of makes me wonder if it isn't necessarily a bad thing that I dress the way I do instead of owning a wardrobe full of Sportsgirl. Sure it's superficial, but being greeted around the grounds by lecturers I don't even know makes me feel warm and fuzzy (and awkward as fuck, lawl).

And now back to wasting time.

So I'm going to have a break from buying lolita for a while and try and save up for some normal people clothes. I guess I'll hit up Cue and the various brands in Myer, see if there's anything that will make me look nice and non-threatening/boring. It's my last year of uni so I want to try and look like I deserve respect from my peers, maybe even make a few friends with people who watch Australian Idol and go clubbing every night. We can talk about how often they got laid over the weekend and how great guys with shaved heads and thongs are. It'll be great :|

Things are coming to fruition for what I have officially dubbed "The Sydney Thing", with our first drawing session to be held at UQ soonish. I feel rather ashamed pimping it because, I dunno, ego-phobia, but in mid-April there will be a free sausage sizzle followed by a ZOMG WERLD FRST participatory cartooning session. (Think "Who's Line is it Anyway?" with current events, drawing, and my little gay self.) So expect some pimpage closer to the actual date. I would very much like it if people came along and brought their friends as we're trying to get an audience of 100+ and you can throw rotten tomatoes/chairs at me for teh lulz.

Yesterday was a rather hot day to be dressing in lolita, but nonetheless a bunch of us indulged in karaoke and drinking in celebration of the lovely vysanthe 's 19 years of being alive. Lots of bogans in the city on a Tuesday night for some reason. I can see why so many girls prefer to hunt in packs as opposed to walking down Adelaide street alone with naught but their pettis to protect them from teh raep. Also, $2 drinks are awesome.

When I got home I found that UQ's website was down due to >9000 students trying to get their grades. I got two 6's, a 5 and a 4 to give me a GPA of 5.25. Not enough if I want to do post-graduate work :/ Still, had more fun watching weird hentai at Matt's than going to my stupid Convergant Journalism class. HAY GAIS THERE'S THIS NEW TECHNOLOGY THAT'S GUNNA SAVE SPERMALISM CALLED TWITTER LOL!

On a related note, today I received my acceptance letter from Stony Brook University, NY. It's weird being referred to as an international student. There's travel advice and information about accessing JFK Airport and FUUUUUUUUUUUU-!! Must remain calm. Must look for a goddamn place to rent >_>

Fucking weeaboos. I've seen so many 30 year old virgins who are like this. Though I guess enjoying weird clothes and j-rock puts one in the same category as these guys.

Anyway.

Today I had a meeting at UQ regarding my drawing and the Sydney conference. I rocked up in pseudo lolita with my new BTSSB skirt, a fucktonne of ring bling/headbows and my Jon Stewart shirt (yes, I own one). Totally professional, amirite? Amusingly, the lecturers I was chatting with were making gestures to my clothes saying that I obviously had personality, asked about the style (always fun dropping that name...), and said I should dress like that while I'm cartooning in front of an audience. (Also, apparently I am now cartooning in front of an audience as part of this thing.) They wanted to incorporate "loli" into the title somehow too. It made me smile so hard- I've been trying so hard to blend in by wearing "appropriate" clothes for a journo wannabe, so this made me feel all sparkley on the inside :D

So I will be dressing in lolita and drawing in an auditorium with people yelling ideas out in a mishmash of "The Glass House" (RIP) and "Whose Line is it Anyway". Totally not my idea and I have no idea how that's supposed to be viable, but hey, these guys have been in the PR/journalism industry for longer than I've been alive so I'm happy to just do as I'm told.

It was just nice to be told that I'll have all the support of the journalism department. I guess this pretty much negates my NYC plans. Goddammit, there has to be a way I can get an internship over there for a couple of months so I can have both things on my resume :/

After that meeting, Matt and I went op shopping for businessy-looking clothes at Paddo, as I have gotten work experience at Quest Newspapers for the next two weeks. Unfortunately we didn't count on the midday sun destroying any will we had to live as well as a few brain cells. GLOBAL WARMING, U GAIS! THIS IS ALL OUR FAULT FOR TURNING LIGHTS ON!

Coles is the perfect place for photography. Observe:






As for what we actually purchased, well...

"I SAID THE USB DRIVE ISN'T CONNECTING TO THE FIREWIRE PORT! GODAMMIT, PUT ME ON TO SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH!"


One of the many kookooburras that swarm Disa's house.


Goldie and I lookin' swanky. (For the daily_lolita post, click here.)

*sigh* Uni's well and truly over and I'm better for it. Kinda sweating on my grades though. Maybe I should start ringing around in search of internships like my friends are.

 I felt like doodling things and stuff. Furiously hacking your way through assignments will do that to you.

Also, I'm getting this! Alice through the windshield glass. I'd sworn off black x black x black x black, but this print (motif? embellishment? whatever...) gives off a real Innocent World vibe, and Allah knows I need some new skirts. I guess that means I've stopped saving up for the US then? Blah, I'm not going to get into that debate again...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnyway.

Today was the Melbourne Cup. The horse I'd bet on came dead last which means that I shall be seeing him again in the not too distant future when I scrape him out of the Pal can for my dogs. Haha, oh shit son, looking through some old photos I found a shot of me at the Cup from 2006.


And to think, the Fashions on the Field judges didn't care for a pair of wings glued to a top hat. Oh, and don't forget the lacy parasol. So rori.

Anyway, back to this assignment which I really can't be arsed with. Post tits plz.

VAMPIRE REQUIEM JSK HAS SHIPPED, FUCK YERRR!!! (Faith, hopefully this means you'll get your skirt soon too :D) So glad I'll have it for Halloween.

Oh yeah, and apparently the Professor who wants me to draw shit and fly down to Sydney with him... well... apparently he bossed Dad around when they were both working at Queensland Newspapers XD I lol'd. My next e-mail to him with have an amusing P.S. :)

Looking forward to seeing Matt tomorrow. Cuddles > assignments.

I keep getting the urge to sell all of my dresses except Princess Drop, the Meta cameo one and my new Marble (lol) halterneck. The high turnover rate of other people's wardrobes have always used to baffle me, but yeah, kind of sick of wearing the same old stuff all the time.

*sigh* I wish I had enough money to drop on stuff in Myer and the like so I could fit in a bit better at uni :/ Journalism students are so fickle, especially the females. Blah. So tired of being surrounded by people fresh out of high school who think they know everything about everything and have a habit of flaunting their ignorance. It irks me even more that they probably have a better chance of landing a job than me because they're social butterflies. Blah.

Going to the movies with Louise tonight, hopefully it won't suck. I'm thinking we should hit up Birdee Num Nums because that's where all the cool kids go, amirite? Dammit I wish I had enough money for West End cocktails ;_;



I daaaaaaaaaaaaaw'd.

(Also, are we now allowed to use all our left over tsunami jokes from 2004? Samoa has more water under its bridges than US/Russia relations! Wait, that sucks... make your own damn comments, I'm going back to laughing at boobies on /b/.)