I need my love by my side... but now it's over

Matt and I broke up.

It was heart-wrenching. You see, I want to get married and have a family someday. He doesn't. We've been together for a year, and continuing with the knowledge that we will either have to part ways at some point or have one of us be miserable was too much to bear. So we mutually called it off.

We love each other so much. We lay in bed crying for what seemed like hours, just holding each other and saying "I love you so much", never wanting to part. Sure there have been issues in the past and I've worried about where the relationship was heading... but when it comes down to it, I do love him. More than anything. I just want us to be together and to be happy, as does he. Neither of us want to be apart, but we just couldn't find a solution. Last week he called me his soulmate...

My Dad's gone away for a week so I'm here all alone praying that Matt will call me like he said. The only thing that I've eaten since Monday is a single Tim Tam. Louise and bakames babysat me yesterday and today, which I'm thankful for... but nothing can make this pain go away. I keep reaching out for him in my sleep, and I can't go for more than a couple of hours without crying. I go to sleep crying and wake up that way. I need him in my life so badly. He's so beautiful and gentle, the most precious thing in my life. The only one who'd ever put up with my crap. He knows Lolita brand names FFS.

Speaking of which, I have lost all interest in Lolita. And Uni. I don't know if I can start back next week. Matt... he's everything to me. I need him so much, I love him more than anything on this Earth. I can't even be friends with him because it would be emotional torture seeing as my love for him runs so much deeper than I ever anticipated.

Fuck, I'm crying again. I love you so much Matt... please fix this... I want to feel your sweet lips on mine, I want to have early morning MSN conversations and come over and watch the sun rise with you. You're the only one for me. Please... fix this... oh god...

The apocalypse of sanity

I just called Matt begging him to fix things between us and make the pain stop. I sobbed on the phone for an hour. Now I don't think he'll call me as much because I just start crying. I'm going to drop off his stuff over the weekend. I can't begin to explain the agony that swells in my chest when I think of it as the last time I'll drive over to the house that I've driven to several hundred times before. It's my second home.

No... he's my second home. The one thing that keeps me sane and happy through events that would normally trigger my suicidal impulses. Without him... it's just me and the darkness.

When we first got together, I thought that if this attempt at happiness failed, I'd drown myself in the bathtub. It has failed and left me in severe emotional and physical pain, but I just can't pluck up the courage to end my life. Instead, I sit in this purgatory as the gaping void left by his presence destroys my mind.