Just a little bit broken
Jul. 16th, 2009 04:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
friezaess"A good journalist talks to people."
"A good journalist makes connections."
I found myself repeating this mantra whilst curled up in a ball, punching the mattress in the vain hope that the feelings of hurt, grief and worthlessness would go away. I don't want to be just another emo faggot, but every time I realise the gap between who I am and what I want to be it breaks my heart. Not just when it comes to journalism, but... well... everything. I don't want to be this. I want to be like other people who can relate to others and don't feel like they are a completly seperate entity to the rest of humanity. I want to be someone has worth and self esteem and talent. Someone who can talk for more than a few minutes without resorting to vulgarity.
I just... wish I had my art back at times like these. It was amateur as fuck and I could only ever see the flaws, but mother of God it gave me some sense of purpose. "I can do this moderatley well and I will improve." It was such an outlet, such a defining aspect of my persona... now it's gone, and try as I might I can't get it back.
I kept crying out in agony to dead loved ones, but they never seem to hear me...
Writing things down is the only way I know how to vent, hence the flood of emo LJ entries. I don't think that's the healthiest thing in the world.
Sorry.
"A good journalist makes connections."
I found myself repeating this mantra whilst curled up in a ball, punching the mattress in the vain hope that the feelings of hurt, grief and worthlessness would go away. I don't want to be just another emo faggot, but every time I realise the gap between who I am and what I want to be it breaks my heart. Not just when it comes to journalism, but... well... everything. I don't want to be this. I want to be like other people who can relate to others and don't feel like they are a completly seperate entity to the rest of humanity. I want to be someone has worth and self esteem and talent. Someone who can talk for more than a few minutes without resorting to vulgarity.
I just... wish I had my art back at times like these. It was amateur as fuck and I could only ever see the flaws, but mother of God it gave me some sense of purpose. "I can do this moderatley well and I will improve." It was such an outlet, such a defining aspect of my persona... now it's gone, and try as I might I can't get it back.
I kept crying out in agony to dead loved ones, but they never seem to hear me...
Writing things down is the only way I know how to vent, hence the flood of emo LJ entries. I don't think that's the healthiest thing in the world.
Sorry.
