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WARNING: The following post is a speel of emo bullshit written by someone with a drama queen complex. You may now stop reading and close your browser before you drown in an ocean of generic teen angst. MY TEXT IS BLACK, LIKE MY SOUL!
I admit, I'd gotten cocky. By surpressing every little emotion that came my way I'd reached a state of apathy that I casually assumed was permanent. I was quite pleased with myself as I had gone from an emotional trainwreck to an unfeeling bastard who for once wasn't concerned with OMG I HAET MY LIFE, WOE IS ME, NIGGERS, etc.
I didn't quite count on the fact that merely shoving all those feelings aside was not the road to sweet indifference and that said feelings would eventually spew out all over the place at the slightest hinderance. Hence why a simple (and literal) slip up at work turned me into a sobbing ball of pure despair and also why I've felt like bursting into tears all day whilst fighting to win back control. I recieved a simple SMS mentioning that I might be rostered on Christmas Day and I find myself unable to sleep, vision blurred once again as I type.
I don't care if they fire me; I'm not working Christmas Day. It's hard enough having to endure those bloody carols that every shopping centre gets a hard-on from playing 24/7, let alone keeping it together on the first Christmas without the one person in my life who actually gave a rat's ass about the holiday.
Godammit, I feel like such an ass dwelling on shit like that. "BAWWWWWW, I can't work on Christmas 'cos I'm a 22 year old who's still angsting about poor ol' Mummy-dearest!" Most of us outlive our parents eventually, but most of us aren't still raw over it 10 months down the track. Am I too clingy? A Mummy's girl?
Hm, these silly tears would suggest I am. And thus my ego takes another blow.
Okay, so I won't be stupid, meaningful dates like birthdays and the holiday season are always shit for people who have lost someone (at least that's what the hospital's brochure entitled "Dealing With The Loss of a Loved One" told me). But... ugh. It's just annoying. I thought I had all of this shit under control, but I'm just as screwed up as I was before. At least previously I was an emo faggot 24/7... now despite the momentary control that comes with surpressing stuff I can only guess when I'm going to have some kind of embarassing emotional outburst and hope that it doesn't happen in public (unlike yesterday >_<)
And of course the only person who was ever able to make me feel better about myself is on another plane of existance.
tl;dr- I want to crawl into a dark corner and cry until I'm dead -_-;
I admit, I'd gotten cocky. By surpressing every little emotion that came my way I'd reached a state of apathy that I casually assumed was permanent. I was quite pleased with myself as I had gone from an emotional trainwreck to an unfeeling bastard who for once wasn't concerned with OMG I HAET MY LIFE, WOE IS ME, NIGGERS, etc.
I didn't quite count on the fact that merely shoving all those feelings aside was not the road to sweet indifference and that said feelings would eventually spew out all over the place at the slightest hinderance. Hence why a simple (and literal) slip up at work turned me into a sobbing ball of pure despair and also why I've felt like bursting into tears all day whilst fighting to win back control. I recieved a simple SMS mentioning that I might be rostered on Christmas Day and I find myself unable to sleep, vision blurred once again as I type.
I don't care if they fire me; I'm not working Christmas Day. It's hard enough having to endure those bloody carols that every shopping centre gets a hard-on from playing 24/7, let alone keeping it together on the first Christmas without the one person in my life who actually gave a rat's ass about the holiday.
Godammit, I feel like such an ass dwelling on shit like that. "BAWWWWWW, I can't work on Christmas 'cos I'm a 22 year old who's still angsting about poor ol' Mummy-dearest!" Most of us outlive our parents eventually, but most of us aren't still raw over it 10 months down the track. Am I too clingy? A Mummy's girl?
Hm, these silly tears would suggest I am. And thus my ego takes another blow.
Okay, so I won't be stupid, meaningful dates like birthdays and the holiday season are always shit for people who have lost someone (at least that's what the hospital's brochure entitled "Dealing With The Loss of a Loved One" told me). But... ugh. It's just annoying. I thought I had all of this shit under control, but I'm just as screwed up as I was before. At least previously I was an emo faggot 24/7... now despite the momentary control that comes with surpressing stuff I can only guess when I'm going to have some kind of embarassing emotional outburst and hope that it doesn't happen in public (unlike yesterday >_<)
And of course the only person who was ever able to make me feel better about myself is on another plane of existance.
tl;dr- I want to crawl into a dark corner and cry until I'm dead -_-;
