Illusions of Grandure

I've lost the will to... draw.

God, first I can't draw, now I don't *want* to draw- it's been a shitty month. This is something I wasn't counting on. I don't know; it's not like I'm some great artist or anything. (I remember Artists' Alley at Animania- it was like comparing dick sizes, and I came up short.)

Maybe I should just abandon drawing altogether. Get a job as a secretary. Type letters for some important businessman for a living. This is the third time in a while that I've had Photoshop minimized on the taskbar, whilst I try to think up excuses as to why I can't finish whichever picture. Stuff just isn't getting done. There's two pics that just need a bit of tweaking before I can start colouring them, and one that just needs to be shaded and stuff. But I can't even do that. I don't understand... I don't think I've ever been like this - at least for this long - through all the years I've been serious about drawing.

When I used to dream of escapism, I envisioned myself huddled in a dark corner, with only my sketchpad and pencils for comfort. Now I'm just huddled in a dark corner. If it wern't for my nightmares, I'd be saying I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. But... I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to lock myself in my room where I feel safe, where I feel that nothing can harm or even touch me. I want some kind of comfort.

Heh. I remember throughout last year, boyfriend or not, I was feeling so lonley and unloved. So instead, I fell in love with my drawing.

...

I wish I still had that kind of passion.