The apocalypse of sanity

[friezaess]

I just called Matt begging him to fix things between us and make the pain stop. I sobbed on the phone for an hour. Now I don't think he'll call me as much because I just start crying. I'm going to drop off his stuff over the weekend. I can't begin to explain the agony that swells in my chest when I think of it as the last time I'll drive over to the house that I've driven to several hundred times before. It's my second home.

No... he's my second home. The one thing that keeps me sane and happy through events that would normally trigger my suicidal impulses. Without him... it's just me and the darkness.

When we first got together, I thought that if this attempt at happiness failed, I'd drown myself in the bathtub. It has failed and left me in severe emotional and physical pain, but I just can't pluck up the courage to end my life. Instead, I sit in this purgatory as the gaping void left by his presence destroys my mind.

Comments

[raven-de-wynter.livejournal.com]

Holy fuck.


No. Read your previous entry, and this can't be right. I may be young, and no nothing about life or love and all that shit, but I do know that you've got to live for the present. Fuck you could both get blown up by some terrorist on the train 5 years down the track, and then you've wasted all these years trying to stay apart from each other for a reason which would no longer exist. Besides, you love each other - thats the bottom line. This sounds cliche and shit, but thats it. And if you really feel this way about each other, honestly ask yourself - are you ever gonna find this 'other guy' who will be just as perfect as matt, where it just feels right. Will you not end up constantly questioning how things would have been different if matt had been there. I'm pretty sure last time I checked, there was only one Matthew Bell, and if he's perfect for you, then you're never gonna be happy with anyone else.

It's killing me to read this, you've already gone through enough pain. Please, really think this through...

And it may not mean much, but I love you. Just as you are.

[bakames.livejournal.com]

I agree its painful to hear since the mutual love is there, just no compromise. Its also about the fact that to keep going in the relationship causes Suz constant stress about not having a family and taking it out on Matt etc, its kinda no win and puts so much strain on things. but I also believe people can have more than one big love for sure

[friezaess.livejournal.com]

Love to you too.

Yeah, I really want to stay with him and I know we're perfect together, but the constant anxiety of knowing that we'll either have to break up eventually or come to resent each other would drive us insane. It's weird, because before this I believed that love conquers all. We truly want to be together, but it would only bring us pain...

[bakames.livejournal.com]

Like I've pretty much said, only you know whats best for you so if you think this is the right thing to do then it is and only time and distraction can help. If you leave uni now though you'll be in a rut at home with your memories, I'd definitely recommend getting out of the house and getting a project to work on.

[friezaess.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I tried to get out to uni today for an intro class I needed to be at, but I was in too much pain/shaking/heart palpitations/etc. I don't think I can even distract myself at this stage because every time I think of him - which is often, whether I want to or not - I start getting so anxious.

[xelyna.livejournal.com]

I've been through this pain before too, and I know there's nothing I can do to help, but know that I'm thinking of you:/

[friezaess.livejournal.com]

Thanks Jess. I just want to be happy again...

[san.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly*

I don't know what to say to make you feel better, because there probably isn't anything I can say, but I just want you to know that we love you and care about you, and I don't want you to ever hurt yourself, because you're too good for that and too precious to me and us. I'm thinking of you, Fri. I love you, we love you.

[friezaess.livejournal.com]

I love you too Rea. I just feel like I'm never going to recover from this. You'd think breaking up would get easier the older you get...

[friezaess.livejournal.com]

We've tried so hard to make things work, and I know we wouldn't be in this situation if there were some way to fix things. Although I keep hoping that something will arise to magically make things the way they used to be.

[vrrrrt.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Hang in there - that's going to take courage, but you can do it.

[friezaess.livejournal.com]

Yeah... sometimes I get sick of trying to be strong...

[celrya.livejournal.com]

*hugs* - I got nothing useful to say, but I want well for you. Good luck babe.

[friezaess.livejournal.com]

Thanks Annie. Hugs are always appreciated.