Entry tags:
Lolita crisis
I'm having something of a lolita crisis at the moment.
It's not so much the clothes. I just dropped hundreds of dollars on Mary Magdalene and Moitie dresses. It's moreso the negative feelings I'm starting to attach to the the fashion.
First and foremost, the obvious- the hideous monstrosity that is my body. I often stand in the mirror thinking about how much I hate myself and how I wish I could cut big chunks off my grotesque form. I used to be a normal size when I was a child until the PCOS kicked in and I gained weight. It was something I was bullied for relentlessly at school, mostly by boys who would walk up to me and slap me across the face until I cried whilst they yelled about how fat I was. I got a lot of verbal and physical abuse for being overweight and also for being an outcast. No adults ever addressed the issue, so the feelings of self-hatred kicked in early. Most 9 year olds don't keep a knife under their beds so they can stab themselves to death once they build up the courage to do it.
I feel disappointed with myself every time I look at photos. I'm not the sort of person that cries. But the festering pain inside starts to take its toll after a while like a cancer.
Secondly, I'm not particularly feeling great about meet-ups anymore. I tend to be socially anxious as it is, but it has happened that some rather unflattering things have been said about me in passing, and it's really put a wet blanket on the whole thing. More worringly, there have been instances where people have misinterpreted something I have said or done as malicious (not even my usual trolling), or even just misinterpreted me as a person, and have gone on to imagine stories about me that are untrue. It's given me horrible stress headaches and quite honestly I get paranoid about attending each new meet-up out of concern that a new story will be conjured up.
It's been a real downer, particularly given the emotional rollercoaster I've been on over the past few months. When you're trying desperately to come up with reasons to live, the combined pressure of the above points do not make for a super happy fun time.
I'm not sure what to do at this stage. I don't think it would be any loss to anyone if I simply stopped showing up to events and dressed up in my own time. But to me, going out and seeing everyone's beautiful outfits, taking photos together and having fun is a big part of lolita.
Is it weird to be so caught up in something as superficial as wearing kawaii desu Nipponese clothing?
It's not so much the clothes. I just dropped hundreds of dollars on Mary Magdalene and Moitie dresses. It's moreso the negative feelings I'm starting to attach to the the fashion.
First and foremost, the obvious- the hideous monstrosity that is my body. I often stand in the mirror thinking about how much I hate myself and how I wish I could cut big chunks off my grotesque form. I used to be a normal size when I was a child until the PCOS kicked in and I gained weight. It was something I was bullied for relentlessly at school, mostly by boys who would walk up to me and slap me across the face until I cried whilst they yelled about how fat I was. I got a lot of verbal and physical abuse for being overweight and also for being an outcast. No adults ever addressed the issue, so the feelings of self-hatred kicked in early. Most 9 year olds don't keep a knife under their beds so they can stab themselves to death once they build up the courage to do it.
I feel disappointed with myself every time I look at photos. I'm not the sort of person that cries. But the festering pain inside starts to take its toll after a while like a cancer.
Secondly, I'm not particularly feeling great about meet-ups anymore. I tend to be socially anxious as it is, but it has happened that some rather unflattering things have been said about me in passing, and it's really put a wet blanket on the whole thing. More worringly, there have been instances where people have misinterpreted something I have said or done as malicious (not even my usual trolling), or even just misinterpreted me as a person, and have gone on to imagine stories about me that are untrue. It's given me horrible stress headaches and quite honestly I get paranoid about attending each new meet-up out of concern that a new story will be conjured up.
It's been a real downer, particularly given the emotional rollercoaster I've been on over the past few months. When you're trying desperately to come up with reasons to live, the combined pressure of the above points do not make for a super happy fun time.
I'm not sure what to do at this stage. I don't think it would be any loss to anyone if I simply stopped showing up to events and dressed up in my own time. But to me, going out and seeing everyone's beautiful outfits, taking photos together and having fun is a big part of lolita.
Is it weird to be so caught up in something as superficial as wearing kawaii desu Nipponese clothing?